In another ghastly dispatch from the frontlines of dumbed-down America, a South Carolina man has been arrested after smuggling several ribeye steaks out of a grocery store concealed inside of his colostomy bag. It is a particularly audacious attempt at shoplifting and had he gotten away with it one has to wonder just how much Lea & Perrins meat marinade that it would have taken to wash away the shitty taste. The perpetrator, a man named David Samuel Hoyt who looks like a bug-eyed meth freak is currently cooling his heels in the county jail.

This heinous tale of criminal activity is chronicled in gut-wrenching detail at the website The Smoking Gun in the story entitled “Cops: Shoplifter Hid Steaks In Colostomy Bag”:

A South Carolina man arrested yesterday for shoplifting ribeye steaks from a Food Lion smuggled meat out of the store in his colostomy bag, according to a police interview with the suspect’s girlfriend.

Cops were called Tuesday afternoon to the Food Lion after employees reported that “an older white male” stole $75 worth of ribeye steaks. The workers said that the man drove away from the Roebuck store in a green Nissan (the license plate for which they copied down).

Spartanburg County Sheriff’s Office deputies traced the car back to David Samuel Hoyt, 55, who they found at the residence of Angela Woody, who “lives on Shaw Rd. down from the Church of God.”

During questioning, Hoyt initially denied stealing the steaks, but later “made a verbal confession” to the theft, saying that he put the meat in bags and walked out of Food Lion.

Woody, Hoyt’s 47-year-old girlfriend, offered a police lieutenant further details about her beau’s steak heist. “Mrs. Woody confirmed that Mr. Hoyt had taken meat from Food Lion by putting it in his colostomy bag,” a deputy noted.

Thankfully, additional details about that means of conveyance were not memorialized by investigators.

Hoyt was arrested for shoplifting and booked into the county jail on the misdemeanor charge. He remains locked up on $2130 bond.

Times are indeed tough all over these days in the banana republic of Obamastan but this story gives an entirely new meaning to desperation.