On the brink of his crowning moment in Wisconsin Ted Cruz was like a giddy kid at the Magic Kingdom, frolicking like a Cuban Peter Pan and mugging for the cameras. The voters went to the polls today for the big Trump-fucking that will put the GOPe’s seal of approval on the brokered convention, using “Lyin’ Ted” to prevent the Donald from bagging the 1,237 delegates and hoping that the millions of dollars spent on negative propaganda will allow John Kasich to vault Trump and end up in second place. Cruz wore the self-assured shit-eating grin of a man who knows that the game has been rigged in his favor, he has benefited immensely from Governor Scott Walker’s well-oiled state political machine as well as the establishment backing of RNC boss Reinhold “Reince” Priebus and GOP Jesus Paul Ryan.
All that is left now is the final tally and the media will swarm like buzzards to pick the meat from Trump’s carcass come Wednesday morning. It has been a triumphant fortnight for Cruz, he put forth an Oscar winning performance in playing the victim after Trump tweeted an unflattering pic of his Goldman Sachs employed wife and batted down a seedy sex scandal to boot. His shining though was being schmoozed by the beaming Fox News bimbo Megyn Kelly in a town hall infomercial and believe it or not – visiting a castle of cheese.
According to the New York Times in the story “Ted Cruz, Sensing Victory in Wisconsin, Strolls Through a Castle of Cheese”:
This is a love story about Ted Cruz. And cheese.
Mr. Cruz, a Texas senator, has long professed his affections for the Wisconsin staple, which he had called his favorite food well before the laws of local pandering required it.
On Monday, he achieved something approaching political nirvana: an afternoon stroll, on the eve of a primary he is expected to win, through a placed called the Mars Cheese Castle.
Initially, there was disappointment: “When they promise a cheese castle,” he said upon arrival, “you sort of expect to be able to eat the castle.”
It faded quickly.
And then Mr. Cruz — joined by his wife, his two Cheesehead-wearing daughters and Gov. Scott Walker — bounded through an emporium of cheese. (Not to be confused with the now-shuttered Amy’s Cheese Emporium to the northwest.)
There was cheesy popcorn, and wheels of Swiss, and cheese logs, and cheese curds, and cheesebread, and jalapeño cheesebread, and — what was that, Mr. Cruz?
“I would love to try, if it’s not too spicy, maybe the jalapeño cheesebread.”
An employee fetched some.
The tour continued, with a phalanx of reporters in tow, stuffing the aisles in a shop that is, in fact, fashioned like a castle on the outside, towers and all.
Mr. Cruz offered a sampling to those nearby (“Cheesebread, anyone? Bread? You want to dive on the grenade?”); eagerly questioned the proprietors (“What’s the volume of cheese y’all sell in here?”); and named his favorite type of cheese (“all of them”).
“I usually go to the store and pick out five or six, and I like to mix it up and try all sorts of different kinds,” he said, adding, after a bit more reflection, “To be honest, I like cheese on cheese.”
Still, he declined to join his daughters, ages 7 and 5, in embracing dairy-based headwear.
“There is an ironclad rule of politics, which is: No funny hats,” he said, invoking the star-crossed union of Michael Dukakis and an ill-fitting helmet. “And any hat is, by definition, defined as a funny hat.”
Goaded further by reporters, Mr. Cruz said that Wisconsinites “wear their Cheeseheads so powerfully” that to emulate them would “intrude in the elegance with which the people of Wisconsin wear those hats.”
He was reminded that “courageous conservative” was a favored slogan of his.
“Not that courageous,” Mr. Cruz said.
Moments later, he had located another cheese plate, cajoling anyone in earshot to have a taste.
As he left, Mr. Cruz insisted to this reporter that failing to sample a particular aged Cheddar amounted to “shoddy reporting.”
It was very good.
Cruz can enjoy basking in the adulation for now but as he yucks it up and slaps backs with the rubes in America’s dairyland a certain cheesehead looks to reap the rewards of Cruz’s working the crowds. A very special Wisconsinite named Paul Ryan has just made the obligatory pilgrimage to Israel in advance of something really big that the establishment has planned for the convention this summer. Rumors are seeping out the billionaire Koch Brothers who see Trump as their arch-nemesis are prepared to crack open their money vaults to help deliver the nomination to young Ryan. Perhaps the establishment can offer something to Cruz besides than a glorious destiny in the Oval Office – a seat on the Supreme Court for esample – but that would be contingent on Ryan actually winning the election but that would have to be the result of a pitched battle with Queen Hillary and once Trump’s supporters realize that they have been dry-dicked and stay home that’s not going to be as easy as rigging the game in cheesehead nation.
Cruz serves it up by the plateload as Scott Walker lovingly looks on